Happy Coachella, aka, the one weekend a year I take a break from Flip or Flop by streaming a concert on a sheet in my backyard while wandering around looking for water and a place to pee as I pretend to know who Chloe X Halle is. Here’s the streaming schedule. Below, a somewhat-true fact about each act.
By Andrew Pridgen
6lack: Pronounced “Black” not like the cloud-based talk-shit-at-work collaboration tool.
A Perfect Circle: Has a band-wide rule of no more than one bruschetta when there’s passed hors d’oeuvres.
AC Slater: Does not perform in a singlet.
Alan Walker: Not related to Alan Jackson.
Alina Baraz: Opened for Coldplay last year. Don’t judge. All of us are guilty of being versions of our worst selves in exchange for survival right now.
Alison Wonderland: Still remembers the login and password to her Hotmail.
Alt-J: Writes every song as if it’s from a microwave’s point of view.
Alvvays: Spelled that way in hopes of someday becoming a Wheel of Fortune bonus round answer.
Amine: Says the only way to watch the Die Hard series is in reverse order (worst-to-best).
Anabel Englund: Will be forced to set her Instagram to private sometime during the weekend.
Angel Olsen: Anagram is Sang el Noel, which she admits is an upgrade.
Ardalan: Doesn’t think Clif bars are a suitable substitute for a complete breakfast.
Aurora: Perma-mood is possessed doll.
Avalon Emerson: Over the fact that you’re over her bangs.
B Boys: Left corporate America as a cohort and never have to hear the words “You missed standup” again.
Bane’s World: Has proudly never used the #nofilter hashtag.
Barclay Crenshaw: Quit his job at Buffalo Exchange on the first day after developing an allergy to people arguing over the perceived value of their used pants.
Bedouin: Got caught sneaking into a movie and nothing happened; decided he could do anything.
Behrouz: Has successfully avoided bottle service to date.
Belly: Broke the last chip clip on the tour bus and is afraid to cop to it.
Benjamin Booker: Hasn’t bothered to update resume with Facebook and Twitter handles because this music thing is going OK.
Benjamin Clementine: Has the entire Seinfeld series on DVD but refuses to watch the show commercial-free.
Beyonce: Still hasn’t seen Lady Bird but pretends she has in casual conversation.
Big Thief: Crochets beer can cozies from beard hair on the road.
Black Coffee: Plans to get just big enough to get a pool guy, then quit.
Blackbear: Has heard the all diner jokes.
Bleachers: Refuses to ever click on any .io site.
Boogarins: Has written Universal Pictures several times to encourage them to switch future installments of The Fast and the Furious franchise to Roman numerals.
Brasstracks: Really wants to change the band name to “Big TItty Heroes” and switch the format to butt rock.
Britta Unders: Boy-girl duo that would gladly read for a live-action reboot of The Rescuers.
Brockhampton: It was either this or starting a cult.
Buscabulla: Wanted to bring back the Caesar cut till Kate Hudson did.
Busy P: Not to be confused with the Insta-famous sitcom actress, mother, and Michelle Williams bestie.
Borns: Looks like someone who runs a strip mall hookah lounge/vape shop and would like to keep it that way.
Cardi B: Could be convinced to wear a brooch if it had a pair of fighting diamond squirrels on it.
Carl Craig: Won’t ever accept craft beer as a movement.
Carpenter Brut: Spit straight out of the hipster stage name generator.
Cash Cash: OK if the whole tech CEO jeans, T-shirt, sneakers and blazer combo went away today.
Charlesthefirst: Not awkward in real life but comes off as super-awkward in interviews because that’s part of his job. p.s. thespacebarisoverrated
Cherry Glazerr: Met in the coolest detention of all time.
Chloe X Halle: Thinking it’s not too late to go back to school and be an orthopedist.
Chromeo: Got big enough to stop doing the stage banter in 2014.
CuCo: Dumps the chocolate milk leftovers after eating Cocoa Krispies #yolo.
Daniel Caesar: Won’t ever text you back but will start texts just to piss you off.
David Byrne: Thinks the word genius only applies to Apple Store employees.
Declan McKenna: Stopped updating his apps like three years ago.
Dej Loaf: Once heard her music being played in an Ace Hotel lobby, immediately walked out and ate her feelings courtesy the nearest street dog vendor,
Deorro: Doesn’t understand why people try to impress on first dates. Best case scenario, you’re going to end up letting that person down a little bit every day.
Dimond Saints: Not a country act.
Django Django: A bunch of white guys. A bunch of white guys.
Dreams: Spelled D-R-E-A-M-S, no v.
Droeloe: Doesn’t give much thought to wanting to meet Jon Hamm but would certainly welcome the opportunity if it arose this weekend.
Ekali: Started smoking just to not fit in. Then everyone else started, so he quit.
Elohim: Preferred aesthetic: No to reclaimed wood accent walls.
Eminem: Came up pre-emoji.
Eprom: Cargo shirts and a Kirkland polo for every transcontinental flights.
Father Bear: When Father John Misty just won’t do.
Fazerdaze: Not officially a video game.
FIDLAR: Is preparing to have multiple people come up and ask them if they saw FIDLAR this weekend.
First Aid Kit: Doesn’t like you, so don’t even try.
Fisher: Great handshake.
Flatbush Zombies: Not a bunch of white ex-baristas from Brooklyn. Not zombies either.
Fleet Foxes: Yes, the one your cool uncle still listens to.
Frameworks: Not the name of your neighborhood’s newest microbrew that specializes in Sauers, but could be.
French Montana: Remembers nothing of the Y2K bug.
Giraffage: From Silicon Valley and made name sound like a top-rated Etsy shop—for SEO.
Goldfish: Surprisingly not influenced by Pavement.
Greta Van Fleet: Thought Almost Famous was a bunch of bullshit.
Haim: The sister trio doesn’t get enough interview questions about favorite deli meats.
Hannah Wants: Afraid of a lava monster.
Hayley Kiyoko: Constantly dresses for alien abduction.
Helado Negro: Google images “Airbrushed Vans” to help fall asleep.
Henry Pope: Still plays Farmville.
Highly Suspect: Started as bar cover band in Cape Cod. Moved to Brooklyn and got sleeve tats. Now at Coachella. Take notes.
Hito: Doesn’t miss the 90s but forces himself to say he does in certain company.
Hundred Waters: Just the band Anthrax re-branded.
Ibeyi: Tried to get into High Maintenance but stopped once everyone started saying how good it was.
Illenium: Still giggles when he hears someone say “Fuddruckers.”
Jackmaster: Scottish but hates Trainspotting (mostly because that’s all anyone ever brings up upon introduction).
Jacob Banks: Would rather be the old Paul Simon than the new one.
Jamie Jones: Didn’t vote in 2016. Hasn’t told anyone.
Jamiroquai: Guested on Top Gear, prefers decaf. (Is old in other words.)
Japanese Breakfast: Favorite muppet is Scooter, mostly because of his satin jacket.
Jason Bentley: Looking for a girl still comfortable enough in her own skin to wear those Juicy velour sweats to the airport.
Jean-Michel Jarre: It was either musician or becoming the fourth Musketeer.
Jessie Ware: Cringes when she hears hers is spa check-in desk music.
Jidenna: 8th grade science experiment was weighting the cream center filling between Double Stuff and regular Oreos.
Jonhn Maus: Doesn’t trust anyone with more than three stickers on their laptop.
John Monkman: Most of his music is inspired by the Magna Carta.
Jorja Smith: Has spent what feels like a lifetime looking for an alarm clock exactly like the one in Groundhog Day.
Joseph Capriati: Recently had a serious argument about whether zombies should be eligible to vote.
Jungle: Modern soul outfit from London that shows no deference to The Style Council.
Justin Martin: Misses Mervyn’s especially for Cambridge Classics briefs.
Kali Uchis: Cancelled her New Yorker subscription because she was down to just reading the Food section in the bathroom.
Kamaiyah: From Oakland, still rocks a bedazzled flip phone.
Kamsi Washington: The best thing that happened to the sax since the boardwalk scene in The Lost Boys. And no he won’t play Careless Whisper.
Kasbo: Has 23 fewer Olympic gold medals than Michael Phelps.
Kelela: Constantly wonders why there are no dog ghosts.
King Krule: Doesn’t come off like a ginger, like at all.
Kittens: Loves not talking about macrame.
Knox Fortune: Would rather be tortured than a tortured artist.
Kygo: Used to have a job folding sweaters at Norway’s version of Structure.
Kyle Hall: Never worn a couples’ costume. Not gonna start now.
Kolsch: Saw The Cove three times but doesn’t feel the need to bring it up every time he’s at sushi.
Lany: Thinks the Chipotle experience totally depends on who warms up your tortilla.
Lauren Lane: Says Dominique Swain will forever be the best Lolita.
Lion Babe: If they hear that they’re the Captain & Tennille for the Urban Outfitters sect one more time…
Los Angeles Azules: Not a hipster upstart, they’ve been around since the Bicentennial.
Louis the Child: Both don’t like to admit they were Gymboree-heads as todders.
LP: Taking dandelion crowns as scalps this weekend.
Luca Lush: Tinder Select did not deliver as promised.
Luttrell: Not a product of big pharma.
Leon: Still has the nerve to ask the guy at concessions whether it’s real butter.
Maceo Plex: Recently bored backstage, read the complete oral history of She’s All That on his phone.
Magic Giant: Let’s face it, at this point you have no idea whether any of these are real bands or not.
Mansion: This is actually just one artist who lives in a really big house.
MHD: Staying out in Twentynine Palms. Shhh, don’t tell anyone.
Michael Mayer: Thinks Austin is overrated.
Migos: We know, we know, we know, we know, Atlanta isn’t really a sitcom.
Miguel: Not afraid to admit, he doesn’t get HBO’s Here and Now.
Mild High Club: What is this, 2016 Williamsburg?
Monolink: Feels it was all downhill for Southwest after they started doing assigned seats.
Moodymann: Says he pairs real instruments with pushing buttons live, which basically sums up this whole festival.
Moon Boots: It was either this or a year abroad and a travel blog.
Moscoman: On-stage pondering of whether jeans bars are still a thing.
Moses Sumney: Never confuses contemporary with modern when talking decor.
Motor City Drum Ensemble: Way better than those guys from your dorm.
Mø: Not interested in a kitchen remodel, ever.
Nile Rodgers & Chic: A selfie for your grandma.
No Name: Just as adept at PowerPoint as she is at slam poetry.
Nothing But Thieves: A band member gets fined every time they refer to Dwayne Johnson as The Rock.
ODESZA: From Seattle. Sorry, SEATTLE.
Oh Sees: Made mostly of marzipan.
Oliver Koletski: Not a local news anchor or internally known oligarch.
Omar-S: His sets are just Level 42 songs with the lyrics stripped out and sped up.
Oshi: Argues that High Fidelity and Under the Tuscan Sun were movies than books.
Otoboke Beaver: Third-choice Kombucha flavor or four-piece all-girl punk outfit from Kyoto?
Pachanga Boys: They’ve heard the one about playing West End Girls.
Party Favor: Could also be a Banana Republic model, if Banana Republic were still a thing.
Patricio: Refers to himself as a music curator, which is some next-level LinkedIn shit.
Peggy Gou: The South Korean DJ says her sound is somewhere between Detroit, London and Berlin, so basically her music is a neighborhood that’s about to blow up.
Perfume Genius: Nearly one million Twitter followers and all posts feature puppies, troll dolls and baby monkeys; clearly the rest of us are doing it wrong.
Petit Biscuit: Never gave up on Myspace.
Pigeon Hole: Is this close to getting an end credits song on a CW show.
Pluko: Disney forced him to change his DJ name so now instead of a cartoon dog he sounds like a fan favorite game on The Price is Right.
Portugal the Man: A band in the lineup to placate Grouplove fans.
Post Malone: AKA Point Stockton.
Priests: Just another D.C. punk band with its own label *yawn*.
Princess Nokia: Rapper of Puerto Rican and Taíno descent born in New York who cannot recall the time of Baby Gaps.
PVRIS: Was Paris but that didn’t go over so hot in court, so, hit all-caps and threw in the v.
Rezz: Fucking hates food trucks.
Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever: Bunch of Aussie bros who get away with it for now because they’re cute.
Ron Gallo: Thinks Nike is propaganda, but would purchase hip waders if they made them.
Russ: Held back in 6th grade, by choice.
Sacha Robotti: Actual line in his bio: “Since his January 2016 relocation to Los Angeles, Sacha Robotti has been neck-in-neck with the California sunshine for Hottest Act of 2016 (ha, ha).”
Sage Armstrong: Your podcast recommends signal the end of every conversation.
San Holo: Booked a gig at Eos Misley Cantina between weekends.
Señor Kino: It was either start a surf band or a surf report podcast (there are few career options for surfers besides surfing.)
Sigrid: Has never heard of Spandau Ballet but assumes it’s a trap act she’ll be following.
Sir Sly: Still disappointed the lyric to AC/DC’s “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” wasn’t “Dirty Deeds Thunder Chief”.
Skip Marley: Tired of white people naming their Golden Retrievers after his grandfather.
Slow Magic: All song titles sound like they’re late-night thirsty texts.
Snail Mail: Apologies to The Postal Service.
Snake Hips: A couple bros from the UK who got famous making remixes. I grew up doing the same thing and got dumped.
SoDown: Sexy sax player from Boulder making an honest living not as a middle school teacher.
Soulwax: DJs from Belgium who look like IT guys and also go by the name of 2manydjs, The Fucking Dewaele Brothers and The Flying Dewaele Brothers because we’re all nothing if not confused.
St. Vincent: May just say fuck it and do all Bangles covers this weekend.
Sudan Archives: Will keep playing in spite of thinking: “If I see one more bearded bro in a sideways hat trying to grope and disappear…”
Superduperkyle: Also goes by all-caps KYLE because all-caps are the norm now.
Sza: Still flies coach, but now by choice.
Talaboman: A DJ superduo. Say you saw their debut in Ibiza and everyone will leave you alone.
Tank and the Bangas: Won’t make the same mistake as last year. Packed extra baby wipes.
Tash Sultana: Won’t admit to being a fan of Billions (or Ballers).
The Black Madonna: A white girl who spins actual turntables in librarian glasses.
The Blaze: Most influencial Beach Boys lyric: “Martinique, that Montserrat mystique.”
The Bronx: The final stage of gentrification, sharing your name with an LA-based punk band.
The Buttertones: A gluten- not dairy-free act.
The Delerians: Often mistaken for a large group of really annoying groomsmen.
The Drums: As a band, quietly boycotts Wayfair.
The Marîas: Being a jazz, funk and lounge act pays the bills in ways that selling origami in small Silver Lake boutiques does not.
The Neighbourhood: In spite of the spelling of their name, these bros hail from fucking Newbury Park.
The Regrettes: They’re still in high school but everyone in Highland Park is trying to look like them, or at least babysit them.
The War on Drugs: Ironically named band has now morphed into cautionary tale for current systemic implosion of democracy named band.
The Weeknd: Like season two of Felicity, hasn’t been the same since the haircut.
They.: A single-word sentence band name, what a time for Dick Van Dyke to still be alive.
Thugf*cker: No Coachella lineup would be complete without an f-bomb with aster*sk.
Tom Misch: Actually just the name of some lucky fan who won a sweepstakes to be on the lineup card.
Tor: Sounds like your neighbor playing in his garage before he blew his amp out and got a job at Target to earn money for a new one but instead just became an assistant manager.
Troyboi: Was tempted to put a hashtag on his moniker but thought people might think he was serious.
Tyler, the Creator: Keeps telling everyone he’s this close to ordering a Light Phone 2.
Um..: Places the drop in the part of a song where he thinks you’re supposed to swallow the Starburst you’ve been eating.
Vance Joy: Doesn’t dislike Cards Against Humanity, but will judge you if you’re super into it.
Vince Staples: From Ramona Park so craves Wienerschnitzel and Rally’s while writing about gentrification.
Westside Gunn + Conway: They’re brothers, also known as Hall N’ Nash (named for pro wrestlers Scott Hall and Kevin Nash) which gets confusing for everyone, including their parents.
Whethan: Opened for The Chainsmokers while still in high school instead of just wearing one of their T-shirts.
Willaris. K: Like most Melbourne natives, he can’t punctuate.
Wizkid: A Nigerian genius who came from absolute nothing and started recording at age 11. What’d you do today besides stand in line and text during lunch?
Worthy: The only guy left in San Francisco who you might not mind if he were to approach you and start talking about his ideas and what he does.
X Japan: Japanese metal outfit from Chiba that has been around as long as Dexy’s Midnight Runners.
Xie: Her track Drip is mandatory for every single Soul Cycle class playlist.
Yaeji: Sings in English and Korean, is from Brooklyn and is cooler than Anthropologie catalogs were when you were in college.
Yahtzel: DJ named after what you yell when you roll five sixes.